Question:
Hello, tutor, my girlfriend and I have been together for three years. We were together in college, and we have been living together for two and a year during this period. We have also seen each other. Passed by parents.
She is now studying in Beijing as a graduate student, and we have become a long-distance relationship. It may be because the two of us are not together. In addition, she is also under a lot of academic pressure, and I am also under a lot of pressure. I am often very sensitive, and I get into conflicts with her over little things. Sometimes when she gets into trouble with me, I like to reason with her, and it becomes more and more troublesome. The quarrel last week was so intense that I realized that I had a problem and I should have coaxed her more. Although they reconciled at that time, she still felt a little angry and aloof.
I am an impatient person, so I sometimes ask her how she is doing? Does she love me? But yesterday she had a disagreement because of an issue. I have been trying to comfort her and follow her wishes. , she exploded all of a sudden, and now she wants to be separated from me for a month to calm down. Although I am currently taking the postgraduate entrance examination, I am really uncomfortable and anxious. I am afraid that she will not love me anymore, so I still keep greeting her good morning and night.
I want to know if there is any good way to reconcile with her and make her forgive me?
< p> Answer:When long-distance relationships quarrel and break up, many people will think that the biggest problem is that the two people are not together. In fact, this is not the case.
The reason why it is easy to break up in a long-distance relationship is actually just because couples in a long-distance relationship are more likely to ignore the conflicts in the relationship and are more accustomed to putting the emotional conflicts aside. It is easy to ignore each other's emotional conflicts, which then leads to the accumulation of conflicts. Eventually it breaks out, making long-distance relationships easy to break up. It can be seen from your description that your problem is still relatively big. So if you want her to forgive you, you can't just explain the current quarrel. Instead:
First: Make the necessary apology
Although she may not be able to listen to your apology at this time, she will not forgive you right away, but. Since you are in a different place, you still need to apologize. You can say to her, "You know I love you, and I also know you love me. Maybe it's because we haven't seen each other for a long time, but I don't want to make excuses for our relationship problems. After reflection, I also realized, The biggest problem is still with me, because I know that both of us are under great academic pressure, but I failed to control my emotions during this special period, and I had a lot of conflicts with you, which put you under emotional pressure. I’m sorry for making you unhappy and sad, xxx (her name)”
When you apologize, you must pay attention: after the apology is over, your chat interaction with the other party will not be affected after that. I don’t want to mention what I did wrong or what I didn’t do well, and I don’t want to apologize anymore. Because there are too many apologies, it is easy to just apologizeLet you become passive and low-profile in this relationship.
The reason why an apology is effective is that it can temporarily ease the current tense relationship; if you continue to apologize blindly later, not only will the other party not forgive you, but it will also easily arouse the other party's resistance again. . Moreover, if you have pestered the other party before, it is not suitable to apologize, because no matter how much you say at this time, it will be meaningless in the eyes of the other party.
Only by sincerely apologizing and apologizing under the right circumstances can the other party understand that you still love her and let the other party understand that you still love her. Once you realize the real problem and you are responsible, you will take the initiative to take on the current emotional problems; and in your case, you have a very good emotional foundation, and she will definitely forgive you slowly in her heart.
After this, give each other some time and space, and don’t get entangled in emotional matters. You can keep saying good morning and good night, and you can maintain basic concern, but you must also learn to take the initiative to withdraw, learn to keep a comfortable distance between you first, and avoid putting pressure on her.
For example, after saying good morning and you have chatted for a few rounds, you can take the initiative to withdraw and say, "Okay, let's not talk anymore. I will go do my studies first. Come on, too!" ". Then in the evening or afternoon, see if you can talk to her. In this way, after giving her time and space, she will reflect on the problems in your relationship, and then she will regain her rationality and accept your apology.
In this way, your current embarrassing atmosphere can be temporarily relieved.
Second: Make necessary changes
After the awkward atmosphere is relieved, you still need to make changes.
That is to say, in the subsequent communication and chat between you and her, do not reason or preach, let alone ask the other party "Do you still love me?" This will destroy your relationship. .
The correct way is not to reason, but to fully express your understanding of her, and then express your own opinions, so that you can understand each other and put yourself in each other's shoes, which will be beneficial to you. The relationship is long-lasting and stable.
For example:
For example, when she talks about the topic of future life, she wants to buy a house closer to her home, but you feel that it is too close to home. If it’s not good, then don’t forcefully reason with me. If you are just being reasonable, she will feel that she is not valued and cannot feel your love.
You should first understand why she wants to be close to home. Is it because she doesn’t feel safe now? Or is it because of her mother’s request? Or is it because of other reasons?
Of course After you understand her, you can first praise her. For example, it is really good to be close to home. She is really a filial and good girl. This is very optimistic about you.
Then, you are expressing your point of view, such as, noHowever, there may be some troubles if it is close to home. I want to buy a house there, because if I buy a house there, my children will have a better environment and a more comfortable life. I can also occasionally bring my parents over.
By understanding each other and then expressing your own opinions, such communication will be conducive to the development of your relationship. Only then will she feel that you care about her, and she will not feel like you are always reasoning and preaching to the other person, making the other person more and more annoyed and losing love.
Actually, to put it bluntly, the feeling of being in love is that you can understand her, understand her, care about her, and see the problem from her perspective, and she will treat you in the same way. This is love. Respect each other, pay for each other, and put yourself in each other's shoes.
In addition, you also need to improve yourself, not let yourself stand still, and don't revolve around her. Only in this way will you not become so sensitive and insecure. For example, you can go to the gym to exercise on a regular basis, and you can develop your own interests and hobbies. These will not only make you feel safe, but also make you enhance your charm, which will make her more attractive. Attracted to you, I like you even more. You don’t have to worry about something else happening because your appeal is reduced in a different place, or potential competitors appear, because you won’t lose unless you become stronger.
Third: Make necessary plans
Including 2 points of planning
(1) Plan your current intersection points
If you meet less in different places, it is true that the relationship will become less passionate than before. However, as long as we establish mutual intersection points, the geographical distance will be a different place, but in fact, the heart will still be the same. Heart to heart.
For example:
For example, she likes to watch a certain TV series recently. Like before, you might have to ask her to chat with you, but now, you will do it yourself. Go watch this TV series, and then chat together while chatting to establish your points of intersection. After that, you can ask her to watch Lianmai together and chat together when she has time. Invisibly, you are actually connected because you are doing the same thing and share the same emotions and rhythms, just like being together.
In addition, there are many intersections, such as reading a book together, raising a small pet, or doing something growth-promoting together, such as raising potted plants together, etc. It is okay. By establishing these intersections, you can also enjoy the results together, increase the depth of each other's feelings, increase each other's investment in the relationship, and increase the cost of breaking up.
(2) Plan your future
If you can’t see each other in a long-distance relationship, you are more or less worried about the future. So in the chat later you can plan your future with her. Because there is a future, even if you are in a different place, you will still have the motivation to love.
Fourth: Create a surprise appropriately
This surprise is very simple, that is, go to her, meet her, and then play together. For example, you can tell her that you miss her while chatting with her on WeChat. Then, you show up next to her and give her a hug. At this time, your love will be better than all the gorgeous words, better than all the care and ambiguity in the phone voice.
If you don’t see each other in a different place for too long, conflicts will definitely arise. But once you meet, many of the problems that originally worried you will disappear. This is the miraculous effect of surprises in a different place.
Of course, in your situation, you have already had relationship problems. At the moment, it may be inappropriate to go to her directly, because she is already under pressure, and you just went there. It will put more pressure on her. She thought that every time there was a trouble, she would go to her, hoping to resolve it through a meeting. In fact, the problem was still not solved in essence. Then she might not agree to your meeting in the future, and your efforts in the past were just in vain.
